I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
