my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
