What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Randomize
