i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
17 year olds will be the death of me.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
