got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
