I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
