They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
