wanna go halves on a baby?
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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