I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
