Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
