Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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