happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
