they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
These tits shall not be calmed
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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