if you like me you must not know who I am
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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