So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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