I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
