Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
