it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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