I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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