I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
