You're a womanizer and a bitch.
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
