I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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