I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
