cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
