Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
