I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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