dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
