I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
