Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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