1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
So. Much. Porn.
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