Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
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