Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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