I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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