i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
