My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
