saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
My bed is full of blood and feathers
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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