So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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