Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
