If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.