All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
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Swine flu is the new snow day.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
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I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.