I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.