I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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