just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
