you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
