I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
