Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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