His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
