I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
