I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
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Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
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So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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