i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
