Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
