K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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