1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
