2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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