I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
