She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
