Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Text me some of your sweat
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
