My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
