dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
