why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
