forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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